Tid bits of things worth living for... writing, music, art, life.
Nicki Knacks
I’m having a bit of a dilemma, is it better to stay true to the times and do what you said you never would or change it to be what you want knowing you’ll lose a bit of authenticity? (writer’s battles)
So recently I’ve discovered this new iPad app called Unstuck. And basically its this app that’s supposed to ask you a crap load of questions to help you figure out why you’re as stuck in life as a bug to fly paper. And oddly enough, it’s pretty helpful. I mean, I really kinda knew what my problems were and yet, this app made it seem…legit. As legitimate as “in your head” problems can be anyway.
I’m 21, (opps, I hope that’s not too much internet information to give about myself), but anyways, I’m 21 and for some reason I’ve been having this crazy “mid-life crisis” of sorts for years. I think I’m the only girl (opps there I go again with the too much info again), who got to college and didn’t think “woot!!! where the party people at” no instead, I thought to myself, “geez I’m behind! Where’s the 401K already?!?”. And maybe I am behind. I mean, think about it in terms of that asshole who runs Facebook, or that other asshole who lucked into guessing that people like making home movies to show of their “talents” (i.e. YouTube), or that Lindsay Lohan broad who’s still somehow relevant.
So by these standards yeah, shouldn’t I, you know, be somewhere by now? And so you see, apps like Unstuck have become sort of my own personal, self-help sessions. But maybe the problem isn’t that I’m stuck in life, maybe its just that I’m just high strung and I’ve never been able to just be. I’ll tell you one thing though, i’d be one hell of a beaver. I can really work like hell when it comes down to it. But I think I work better with my hands, the minute my mind gets involved in anything it’s all: “what are the deadlines? bottomlines, crosslines and the like” and that’s the closet that creativity dies in. That’s the closet that’s got me by both ankles. And that’s what I need to get “Unstuck” from.
A part of my soul hurt to hear some lil girl say “strollers are fun cuz you don’t have to walk” America’s youth everyone. ay dios mio.
So today I decided to write about some things I’ve been running into non-stop recently. Are you ready? Doubts, Droughts, and Detours.
As any Angeleno can tell you, our fair city of angels has been positively overrun recently by these nagging Detour signs. It seems everywhere you go these days, there’s one staring you in the face shaking finger saying “not this way friend!” And annoyingly, you are forced to take turn after aggravating turn going absolutely no where near where you intended.
So as I was stuck listening to Sarah Bareilles- Breathe Again (Listen to it because it’s simply SO worth it!) and I realized something. Seeing as I don’t believe in coincidences. What could this mean for me?
And recently I’ll tell you I’ve been no stranger to doubts. I’ve found myself going off the rails taking tailspin after tailspin. Struggling to remember why I choose to do the things I do. Doubting what I’ve always known. And let me tell you when you begin to question the beliefs that make you who you are at your essence, the next step is a drought.
Now I don’t mean a drought in terms of a famine in a food sense. By all means you can just make a PB&J no prob. But I’m talking about the kind of drought that inhibits you from doing what makes you you. For me, I’m a writer. I obviously, write. So when I question myself and what’s important to me, it’s like having a switch in your head flipped and all of a sudden it’s “all quiet on the western front” (so to speak) And that is most definitely no fun.
I realized somewhere along the way I lost my way this year. I let myself go straight for so long I couldn’t remember why. And soon I begun doing things I knew wouldn’t end well. Because my usually very clear sense of decision making suddenly took a five (for a few months!) And soon, my easy sailing became a fork in the road, meets a speed bump, meets a guard rail and soon I realized what happened and then was just stuck. It wasn’t as simple as flipping the switch again. Instead I had to just wait it out. In a drought in which the only thing I had were my doubts.
So what does this all mean for me? It means. I took a couple detours. It means, like traffic, I took too many lefts, too many rights. But let me ask you this, whoever you are, what would happen if there were no detours? Well, you’d simply be stuck. You’d be stagnant. You’d be stuck in traffic unmoving for hours with no signs to tell you why. So when you think about it. A detour is actually a blessing. A detour is a sign telling you that something is in your way, something maybe you can’t see. But maybe if you take a couple lefts, a few rights and maybe a roundabout or two, you’d eventually find your way home again.
And after all, isn’t that all we’ve ever wanted? To find our way home again. To be where we belong? That’s what I thought about today. I thought about doubting, and about the detours and how they’re actually my friends they know I’m stuck even when I don’t. So where’s your detour guiding you?
So today I thought I’d share a little philosophy with all of you. Ever had one of those awful kid moments when your gleeful running, skipping, jumping or maybe even just walking (if you were one of those kids and I was) got brutally interrupted by you falling, tripping or otherwise ending up with a nasty and extremely painful gash somewhere? If the answer is yes, then congratulations you’ve experienced pain.
Now as you get older, our painful woeful moments seem to go beyond just a simply playground boo-boo. Yes you see as you get bigger, you break bones, you contract nasty things called viruses that make the sniffles look like a walk in the park but the biggest and baddest hurt of them all. Drum roll please: heart break.
Oh but don’t get me wrong heart break can start at a young age too. Just ask the kid who thought he’d been abandoned at a super market. Believe me the 3 minutes it takes you to run around frantically from aisle 14 to aisle 3 where mommy dearest is cluelessly buried face deep in romaine lettuce is enough emotional torture for that kid to remember for many years to come.
But as we get older and bigger, so do our hearts. Our school yard crushes complete with “Be Mine” heart shaped candies that (let’s be honest) taste like crud, become full blown, “I Love Yous.” And therein lies the danger. And that’s what makes children such wonderful people. They can love innocently. They can find the tiniest things about you to completely adore and latch onto it (that lunch bag full of chocolate puddings perhaps) but we adults. We are such complex creatures.
We’ve taught ourselves that when we’re in love, we’ve got to love everything about the other person. Even the things that drive us mad. And when the people we love do us wrong, we shake finger and say “well you must not really love me.” Whatever happened to good old fashioned “I’m sorry. You can have my pudding.” And be done with it. But oh no. Adults, we’ve got to have it all. And let me tell you. 100% in people doesn’t exist.
Now I’m not trying to make you sad or feel like “whats the point then.” I simply want to say this. Even a diamond set on its own doesn’t quite catch the eye as a diamond set in gold. Everything needs something to make it whole. You find someone who makes you 78% cool, then you be the 22% you need to make yourself happy. Stop relying on 100%. Stop acting like things are always buzz cut clean. Especially not love. Because that will only lead you to step two: having to recover.
So how do you do it? Well we adults always think about these things in the grandiose. Someone breaks my heart I need to fly half way around to find myself. (Eat, Pray, Love) haven’t seen it but let’s be real. Uh no. What else is commonly suggested? How about getting together with someone else immediately? Well let’s think about this, so you can expedite being dumped again (because let’s be honest your un-dealt with heartbreak will cause you to poison the next one).
So how do you REALLY do it? The answer: in baby steps friends. Baby steps. Notice a trend here. You wanna learn how to live. Consult your neighborhood five year old. I’m serious as a box of 64 Crayolas. To recover, find for yourself the little things that once made you smile. Indulge in old photos of you and friends BEFORE the hurt. Remember what snacks made you happy, curl up in front of a nice fireplace, or scenic outlook and remember what makes you happy you’re you. Sing to yourself. Seriously, even if you’re a terrible singer. Just singing while no one else is around but belting a crazy good note. You’ll make yourself smile if nothing else.
The point is. It doesn’t always take a major life event to fix you. Sometimes its the little things. The minutiae of the day that will save you. The way you love preparing a toaster strudel just right. The way you over fluff your pillow before you lay your head on it. The way you like to write little letters to yourself in the shower door steam. These things. These tiny things will say you. Become that little kid again, scrape your knee a good lick and grab yourself an ice cream and make it better. That’s all it takes guys. Just a little bit of little bits.
Today was my first Sunday off in oh I’d say close to 5 months at least. I took my time waking up. I decided that the day was mine to indulge in for the first time in a very long time. And so I idly rolled into a half sitting half laying position and started reading a book.
Soon, I realized the stillness. The peaceful, blissful, stillness I’ve longed for such a long time I’d actually forgotten it existed. I lay there silenced in the comfort of my familiar sheets clutching them between my toes. Listening to the echoes of my own laughter as the book I was reading caused to burst out laughing out loud.
It was perfect in the only way that being alone but content can feel. It was like riding the wings of a hummingbird. Now first if such an act were even possible the beautiful and tiny bird might be put out by the weight of you on its wings. Which is why even in the imaginative sense, riding the wings of a hummingbird must be done by you and you alone.
You see the point of this mental image of what I was doing is to point out how being at peace with your world can make you feel that way. Light. Like the weight world isn’t bearing down on you. Like the deep heavy, multilayered feelings that pursue each and every day aren’t dragging you under.
So you see in moments of peace like these, it IS entirely possible to ride the wings of a hummingbird. To feel as they do time lethargically pass by but feel untouched by that reality because in a peaceful state of mind there is no deadlines, no appointments, no agendas. Things simply are.
As you can imagine, I fully embraced this moment today. I basked in the warmness of it. The softness of it. It’s one of those few and sometimes far between moments that reassure us that everything IS going to be okay. Which is something I found myself desperately needing these days.
Things have happened that have confused, hurt, angered, shamed, and down right nearly broken me in the past year. But in the eye of those storms as they rolled in one on top of the other. I remembered. There will come a day, a moment when I will laugh again. As Carrie Bradshaw’s best friend assures her “something just has to be funny enough.” And while it wasn’t watching another friend poop her pants (See Sex and the City the movie) my moment came and still comes in the tiny moments I never expect.
So to you out there, whoever you are. I’m telling you. Happiness is NOT a destination. It’s an emotion that comes and goes. So let your sadness, anger, envy, heartbrokenness, or nostalgia have you in full force today but don’t ever let yourself forget there will come a moment for you. A moment when you’ll laugh again, play again and maybe in that subtle stillness, find yourself riding the wings of a hummingbird. I want that for you.
